What to Say When Your Child Lies: 5 Phrases That Encourage Honesty
5 phrases that encourage honesty without removing accountability
Most children lie sometimes.
They might lie because they are worried about getting into trouble. They might be embarrassed by something they have done, want to avoid disappointing you, or simply wish they had made a different choice.
And sometimes the lie is spectacularly unconvincing.
As adults, our instinct can be to challenge it immediately. We know what happened. They know we know what happened. Yet somehow we still find ourselves asking, “Did you do this?”
Then they say no.
Now we have two problems.
There is the original behaviour to deal with, and there is a child who has committed themselves to a version of events that neither of you believes.
That doesn’t mean we ignore dishonesty. Children need to learn that telling the truth matters. But shame, accusations and attempts to catch them out aren’t necessarily the best ways to teach it.
Sometimes, changing the way we respond gives a child a much easier route back to honesty.
Here are five phrases to try.
1. “I know you wish that were true.”
This one needs a little care.
You aren’t saying, “I know you wish your lie were true.” You are recognising that the child probably wishes they had made a different choice in the first place.
Perhaps they hit their brother and immediately denied it. Perhaps they drew on the wall and blamed the dog. Perhaps they definitely, absolutely, categorically did not eat the chocolate despite looking remarkably chocolatey.
Try:
“I know you wish you hadn’t done that. Let’s be honest about what really happened.”
It separates the child from the choice.
They did something they now wish they hadn’t. They don’t have to keep rewriting what happened in order to escape that uncomfortable feeling.
The truth gives you somewhere to go next.
2. “This is what happened. Tell me about it.”
If you already know what happened, you don’t necessarily need to ask a question to which you already know the answer.
“Did you draw on the wall?”
“No.”
You have inadvertently created a test, and the child has failed it.
Instead, start with the information you already have.
“There’s pen on the wall and I saw you drawing there. Tell me about what happened.”
You aren’t inviting them to dispute an established fact. You are inviting them to explain their part in it.
That distinction matters.
There may be information you don’t know. There may be a reason for the behaviour. There may simply be a child who needs a moment to work out how to tell you the truth.
Either way, you have opened a conversation rather than an interrogation.
3. “It’s OK to tell the truth.”
Telling the truth can feel risky when you know the truth is going to disappoint somebody.
That is especially true once a child has already lied.
Now they have to admit to the original behaviour AND admit that what they just told you wasn’t true. Doubling down can feel easier than backing out.
So give them a way back.
“It’s OK to tell me the truth. We can deal with what happened.”
This doesn’t mean there can’t be a consequence.
If something has been broken, it may need to be put right. If somebody has been hurt, an apology or repair may be needed. If a rule has been broken, the boundary still exists.
We want children to discover that telling the truth gives them a way forward, rather than leaving them feeling they have to keep defending the lie.
4. “What could you do differently next time?”
Once you know what happened, endlessly revisiting the mistake doesn’t necessarily teach anything new.
The more useful question is often: what happens next time?
A child who snatched a toy might practise asking for a turn.
A child who lied because they were frightened of your reaction might need to know what they can say when they have made a mistake.
A child who made an impulsive choice might need help recognising the moment before it happens again.
“What could you do differently next time?”
If they don’t know, help them.
We sometimes expect children to produce a better behaviour simply because we have told them the first one was wrong. But knowing what NOT to do and knowing what TO do are not quite the same thing.
Teach the replacement behaviour.
5. “You are a person who tells the truth.”
Be careful with labels.
Calling a child a liar turns something they did into something they are.
That isn’t particularly helpful if the behaviour we want to encourage is honesty.
Instead, reinforce the identity you want to nurture.
“You are a person who tells the truth.”
That doesn't mean pretending the lie didn't happen. You can acknowledge it clearly:
“What you told me before wasn't true. I know you can be honest with me, so let's try again.”
One dishonest choice does not have to become a child's story about themselves.
They can make another choice.
Honesty without shame
The aim isn't to make lying consequence-free.
It is to make honesty possible.
Children are going to make poor choices. They will sometimes try to avoid the consequences of those choices. Occasionally, they will look you directly in the eye while presenting a version of events that would require you to disregard several witnesses, a broken lamp and the fact that they are still holding the football.
They are learning.
Our job isn't simply to catch them out.
It is to help them learn what to do once something has gone wrong: tell the truth, take responsibility, put things right where they can and make a different choice next time.
That is a much more useful skill than becoming better at winning an argument about who broke the lamp.
A note on the research
Lying can be frustrating for adults, but it is also a normal part of children's development.
Children begin to experiment with deception from the preschool years, and the ability to lie develops alongside skills such as understanding what other people know, think and believe. In other words, the appearance of a lie is not, by itself, evidence that something has gone terribly wrong.
Children also have to learn something surprisingly complicated: when honesty matters, why it matters and how to tell the truth even when doing so feels uncomfortable.
Research suggests that the adults around them play an important part in that learning. What we say about honesty matters, but so does what children see us do.
None of this means accepting dishonesty. Quite the opposite. We want children to learn to tell the truth, take responsibility and repair mistakes.
The aim is to make honesty something we teach — not simply something we demand after things have already gone wrong.
Further reading
Talwar, V. & Crossman, A. (2011). From little white lies to filthy liars: The evolution of honesty and deception in young children. Advances in Child Development and Behavior, 40, 139–179.
Lee, K. (2013). Little Liars: Development of Verbal Deception in Children. Child Development Perspectives, 7(2), 91–96.
Talwar, V. (2022). The Truth About Lying: Teaching Honesty to Children at Every Age and Stage. American Psychological Association.
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